Tomorrow should have been the start of our trial. The end should have been near. Reality is that it’s too far off.

I see pictures of my baby more than I actually see her. I barely recognize her. Babies grow and change so quickly. I wish I could freeze time so she wouldn’t grow anymore and I wouldn’t miss one more milestone or moment of her young fleeting life!

I don’t see any pictures of my son. I try to write him letters, but I’m sure they get tossed in the garbage before they are ever given to him. Technically I’m allowed to see him, CPS dropped him from the petition to remove my kids from me. Practically, I can’t do it. His dad has successfully removed me from his life. The school doesn’t call me, the police won’t follow the court order, the judge is waiting on the CPS case to be over. Meanwhile, I’ve lost nearly 6 months of my son’s life in the last year.

I miss his random hugs. I miss him calling me mommy. I miss his smile. I even miss his excitement about telling me every last detail of the latest movie he saw. He loves movies and video games. When he was younger I would let him watch Monsters, Inc. In the opening credits there is a funky jazz piece that plays and he would always (and suddenly) jump up and dance doing a quick high-step of his feet all around the living room!

I have no idea how’s he’s doing in school. I didn’t get to participate in any tooth fairy activities. When he was 3, I had him at a playground with his step-siblings. He fell and busted his lip with his teeth. I was in an unfamiliar area and it took us a while to find an urgent-care center. By the time we go there, he no longer needed stitches because it finally stopped bleeding. A month or so later we knew that the damage had gone deep into his top left tooth because it was a bit blackened. I wanted to keep that tooth. The one that caused so much pain the day I held him close as he bled all over me. I’m sure its gone now.

I won’t stop trying to get him back. I know there will be pain associated with this time frame of his life. I know that he will have to come face-to-face with the lies his father told him and the emotional torture he put him through. I only hope that I can act in a manner wise enough to decrease that pain as much as possible. I’ve been vary careful not to inflict more confusion and agony than is already being dealt by the other side. I hope one day he can heal and he can know that I’ve always loved him and I always fought for him, even though he may not have seen it.

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